What are boundaries?

Simply put, boundaries are what keep us safe. But REALLY what are boundaries?

Healthy boundaries can be defined as behaviors that keep us safe physically, emotionally, timely, sexually, intellectually, and materialistically. Boundaries are the needs that you require from others to keep you safe and comfortable in your relationships. There are many questions when it comes to boundary setting, but something important to remember is that first, and foremost, boundaries are not easy to set, and they cannot be glazed over if you want them to stick. Fortunately, there are things that you can do in your daily life to make boundaries less intimidating.

Through the counseling process, us counselors like to aid our clients in becoming more aware of the types of boundaries that are being placed. In order to acquire healthy boundaries, we have to be aware of what unhealthy boundaries look like. As Nedra Tawwab states in her book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” “Relationships that have the potential to be healthy often become unhealthy because of either rigid or porous boundaries”. Unhealthy boundaries can be porous or rigid, which both result in dysfunctional relationships.

Porous boundaries are full of holes and very brittle. We can look at porous boundaries like a pumice rock, it allows for air and liquid to move through it allowing it to be very passive. When our expectations are weak and porous, we are basically letting others have no limits, and it can lead to feeling very depleted in our relationships. When boundaries are passive, we lose the ability to say no to others, which results in us no longer saying yes to ourselves.

On the other hand, we can have rigid boundaries. Rigid boundaries are stiff, unable to move, change, or be adapted. When we are rigid, we are acting as if our boundaries are a brick wall. Rigid boundaries create distance, as a safety mechanism to avoid vulnerability. When rigid boundaries are placed, there is very little room for vulnerability and little opportunity for healthy relationships to be established.

Both rigid and porous boundaries can be non-effective when setting limits, but with healthy boundaries we can sustain a more valuable life where we have the room to say no (or say yes) to others. The ability to know when to say no, leaves more room for us to enjoy the things we care about.

With help from a counselor, you can explore the world of boundaries and identify the areas of your life that need more attention when it comes to setting expectations with others.

If boundary setting is something that you struggle with, you can contact me at Bonnie@hopeandharmonytherapy.com or directly at 281-826-2608.

CITATIONS

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.